Two-faced

L.A. Noire is not what I expected. I’ve been playing Rockstar sandbox games for about 10 years now, so I expected another copy of the original daguerreotype of Grand Theft Auto 3. In this case, the bones are the same, but the skin is different.

That’s a metaphor – of course, but it also works literally. Allow me to explain.

The most impressive part of L.A. Noire is the visual representation of character faces. It’s not often that my favorite part of a game is something visual because I’m more of a gameplay guy, but the representations of real human people in L.A. Noire are outstanding.

So is the acting – the characters do represent real human people. I’m often more impressed by the character's acting in this game than I am by the acting in most movies and TV shows.

But, I suppose, I must admit that the visuals are my favorite part of this game because the gameplay isn’t. That’s not to say it’s bad, but it’s flawed in some significant and often fixable ways.

From the title, you can probably deduce (See what I did there? No? You will.) that Noire is a detective game. And the awesome facial representations make good in a particularly salient fashion during interrogation moments, which can be intensely frustrating. But that’s my error. I’m, evidently, not a great interrogator.

These other things, though, are Rockstar Australia’s problems:

In a game that asks players to spend about 25% of their time meticulously looking for clues at crime scenes, I’d imagine the ability to look might prove valuable. So the omission of an option for first-person viewing is unforgivably shortsighted (irony).

Noire (mildly) rewards responsible driving, but all the cars handle like they were made in the 1940s, which is exactly non-ironic because it’s set in the 1940s. However, cars in Noire also handle like cars in GTA IV, which I was never really happy with because I feel like they’ve sacrificed my driving ability for their game realism. But here’s what I really don’t understand: if I’m supposed to drive responsibly and your cars are supposed to drive realistically, why are there two different buttons that represent braking, but no buttons that represent an actual brake pedal (one button represents a handbrake; the other provides brake but also provides reverse – so realistically stopping at a stoplight, for example, is specifically impossible).

And another thing: all the clues are within five feet of the dead bodies. I want to be rewarded and encouraged for curiosity and discovery, not given a box full of puzzle pieces to practice pattern recognition and archetype reconstruction.

But these gameplay moments, which are more nuisance than problem, are all just building to those story and visual elements. And those are some of the highest quality vijagamin’ elements I’ve seen.

Semi-related Throwback to the Previous Blog Post/Double Standard Report of the Week:

Speaking of conspiracy theories, how come the NCAA ruled (Kentucky’s) Enes Kanter ineligible for college play because he played professional ball in Turkey, but JJ Barea was allowed to play at Northeastern University after playing professional ball in Puerto Rico?

Kahn't catch a break

(One of my favorite terrible titles ever.)

David Kahn now says he was joking when he drafted three point guards in the first round of the 2009 draf … I mean when he said that the NBA “has a habit […] of producing some pretty incredible story lines,” in reference to last night’s draft lottery.

But conspiracy theories are less than rare in NBA conversations, and the draft lottery – which is literally a backroom procedure – is well set up to fit into those conversations.

In fact, one of the most well-known NBA conspiracy theories is that the very first draft lottery (1985) was rigged so the New York Knicks – one of the most important franchises in sports history – would win the #1 pick to take college standout Patrick Ewing.

Speaking of big market wins, the LA Clippers have won the lottery three times since 1985, thanks in large part to their really awesome play over the last 26 years, but three #1 overall picks should have hypothetically helped one of the NBA's more visible teams.

Chicago has won the lottery twice, first in 1999 – the year after Jordan left what was, at the time, the biggest franchise in sports, and then in 2008 with a 1.7% chance of winning Chicago native Derrick Rose.

The only team to win the lottery with a lower percentage chance was the 1993 Orlando Magic, who had a 1.5% chance of winning the top spot. Orlando actually traded #1 pick Chris Webber to Golden State for #3 pick Penny Hardaway (and some other stuff), paving the way for Penny’s team up with 1992 #1 overall pick Shaquille O’Neal, which paved the way for Blue Chips, oddly enough a movie about conspiracies and cheating in sports.

Moving back to the Cavs, in 2003, Cleveland won the draft lottery and the rights to (former) hometown hero LeBron James. But, LeBron’s ultimate departure in free agency last summer has made the Cavs one of the most sympathetic stories in sports, because of the betrayal and all.

Combine that with owner Dan Gilbert’s made-for-TV son representing the team and the fact that Cleveland won the #1 selection with their lower ranked pick of their two lottery picks and we’ve got another potential conspiracy theory on our hands.

Or maybe I've just been playing too much L.A. Noire.

Quote of the Week:

Oddly enough, one of the NBA’s most important shapers of story lines over the past 30 years has found himself the center of one of the bigger side stories of these playoffs. As usual, Charles Barkley provides some of the best perspective on this story:

“I'd rather have a gay guy who can play [as a teammate] than a straight guy who can't play.”

I'm good, good, good, and oh-so-smart

I posted my final final grade of my (current) UNCW career yesterday, which means I’m largely unhinged from UNCW now, but it also means I’ve been thinking about grades a lot lately and, more specifically, reactions to grades.

I don’t mind grades; I actually love evaluating things and stuff and even people. Our lives are overrun with major, minor, and even more minor evaluative decisions, and I typically don’t shy away from those. What I don’t like, two things: (1) the temporal vacuum cleaner that is the process of grading and (2) reactions to grading.

Typically, I have three types of students: those who care way too much about their grades, those who don’t care about their grades, and those who don’t care about their grades until it’s too late.

The students who care way too much about their grades are great; they do their work, they work hard, and they pay attention. They can occasionally be annoying, what with their brown noses and all, but that’s an acceptable evil.

The students who don’t care about their grades are great, too; they remind me of myself in school. Good for them.

The students who don’t care about their grades until it’s too late are great, as well, until it’s too late. Then they suck because they complain about their grades that they seem surprised by, even though I specifically spell out exactly how their grades will be calculated on the first day of class and all over their syllabuses.

My students’ grades are determined by two things: quality work (of course) and paying attention/showing up. Students who are surprised by their grades typically don’t do the latter.

Event of the Week:

Since I don’t have anything to do today (not true), I’m eating breakfast in bed (totally true) while watching The Simpsons (also true) and folding origami cranes out of $2 bills (unfortunately not true).

Intersection of Beale Street and East

With the win against the OKC Zombies yesterday, the Memphis Grizzlies continued to build their mûmakilian hype machine. Not that they need it, but I decided I’ll help them out.

I’m on the east coast, so maybe this was inevitable, but it seemed like the buzz going into the NBA playoffs was largely directed towards the big three in the Eastern Conference – not LeBron, Wade, and Bosh, but the Bulls, the Heat, and the Celtics.

What’s lost in that hoopla is that the West is likely still the better conference, top to bottom (at least for playoff teams). Let’s not forget that the Indiana Pacers were the eight seed in the East with a 37-45 record, and Philadelphia was seven at exactly .500.

A few other signs that the West is the better overall playoff conference this season: three non-playoff teams in the West have a better record than Indiana, Eastern Conference five-seed Atlanta went into the playoffs on a six-game losing streak, the only first-round sweep was in the East (#3 Boston over #6 New York), New Orleans won two games against the reigning champion Lakers, and – of course – Memphis took down one-seed San Antonio.

While this might have proven that the Spurs just aren’t any good, San Antonio’s 61 regular-season wins and Memphis’ win over the Zombies on Sunday suggest Memphis might be just as responsible.

In fact, after the Vancouver/Memphis Grizzlies fifth ever playoff win Sunday, the salient question seems to be: how far can they go in the West? (By the way, I just heard this question on First Take.) But, to address the issue of conference supremacy, I’d rather wonder – a la Marvel’s What If? franchise – how far could the Grizzlies go in the Eastern Conference playoffs?

So, in reverse order, here’s how I think Memphis (which is well east of the Mississippi River, by the way) might fare against every team in the Eastern Conference playoffs:

#8 Indiana Pacers

Obviously, as the eight seed, the Pacers wouldn’t even be in the playoffs if Memphis was in the East because Memphis is nineteen games ahead of Indiana. Indiana showed a little life in the Chicago series – which ended 4-1, not 4-0 – but they would almost definitely be overmatched here.

Memphis beat Indiana 104-90 and 99-78 in the regular season.

#7 Philadelphia 76ers

The records don’t reflect this, but I think the 76ers are actually worse than the Pacers. Regardless, this isn’t a great unit. Elton Brand led the team with 15 PPG and 8.3 RPG in the regular season. Their other starting big is Spencer Hawes.

Memphis beat Philadelphia 99-94 and 102-91 in the regular season.

#6 New York Knicks

Since the Carmelo trade, the Knicks are 14-18, including their playoff series against Boston, which is actually a lower winning percentage than the Pacers’ regular season percentage. So, again, they’re not very good. Plus, one of the Grizzlies best assets is their SF defense from Shane Battier and Tony Allen. Couple that with Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol bothering Stoudemire, and I don’t see where the Knicks are getting points – at least in the half-court.

Despite that, the Knicks beat the Grizzlies 110-108 and 120-99 in the regular season (both after the Melo trade), but the Knicks won the first game with half a second left and hit 20 (!) three-pointers in the second win. Memphis also had a four-game lead in the regular season W/L column over New York in (what I’m calling) the stronger conference.

#5 Atlanta Hawks

The Hawks could actually provide a tough matchup for the Grizz. Atlanta has a lot of size that could bother Randolph and Gasol, and Josh Smith is always a matchup nightmare. (Plus Atlanta’s up 26-17 on Chicago as I type this.)

Atlanta beat Memphis in the very first game of the season (119-104) and again on December 1 (112-109), both before the Battier trade.

Atlanta’s biggest issue this season has been consistent winning, hence the six-game skid to end the season, so it’s hard to confidently say they could beat anybody 4 out of 7 other than the Orlando Magic.

#4 Orlando Magic

Speaking of…

If the Grizzlies were magically transplanted into the East on the day before the playoffs, Orlando would be their first-round matchup, so this would be the Grizzlies first win. Atlanta showed, fairly easily, how to beat the Magic: don’t double Dwight Howard, let him do what he wants but be physical with him, and stay at home on their shooters. And the Hawks did that with Al Horford, Zaza Pachulia, and Jason Collins. I’m pretty sure Memphis would fare at least as well with Randolph, Gasol, and Darrell Arthur.

#3 Boston Celtics

Now we’re getting into the class of the Eastern Conference – the San Antonios and the Oklahoma Cities of the East, if you will.

It’s hard to gauge the C’s right now, but one of their major concerns since the Kendrick Perkins/Jeff Green trade is size, which isn’t a good weakness against the Grizzlies. Battier and (former Celtic) Allen could clamp down on Paul Pierce or Ray Allen if either gets hot.

Memphis lost to Boston in overtime on November 13 (116-110) and beat them in March (90-87), after the trade deadline.

#2 Miami Heat

Memphis beat Miami with a last-second shot from Rudy Gay – one of the plays of the year – in late November, but the Heat destroyed the Grizzlies on my birthday (118-85) when Miami was on their late-season push. I don’t think any team really wants to play the Heat in these playoffs, but the Grizzlies at least have good perimeter defense to potentially deal with LeBron and Wade.

#1 Chicago Bulls

The Bulls have a good interior presence with Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer, and Derrick Rose is obviously tough for any team to deal with. He recorded his first ever triple-double in a January win over the Grizz (96-84), and led the Bulls to a late win over Memphis in late March (99-96).

If the Grizz did join the East for the 2011 playoffs, the Bulls would be their second-round matchup, based on current records. But, the Hawks and that sixth seed were only a couple of garbage games back from Memphis, so I’m sure Lionel Hollins would have motivated his team to shoot for that sixth spot and an early-round bypass of Chicago.

That would have meant the Celtics in round one, and Memphis already proved they can take care of old people.

Event of the Week:

Today was UNCW’s last day of classes for the school year.