The Fantabulous Fiftieth Post

(Yes, this is my fiftieth post on the blogger blog.)

While I was watching the Orlando/Cleveland game last night, I decided that the NBA should just redefine what a foul is. Here's why this would work: the referees have already done this, possibly in some secret back room meetings, but more likely just through 60 years of setting and resetting precedence. So the root of the "referee problem" isn't that refs are bad at their jobs; it's just that they redefined their jobs without telling anybody else, like the players, the coaches, or the fans. By reexamining and rewriting the rule book, the NBA could eliminate this confusion pretty easily and provide some much needed transparency as to what the hell the refs are actually doing out there.

But instead of a vague suggestion, here's what I consider a legitimate solution: hire a statistics firm that knows absolutely nothing about basketball, like Elias Sports Bureau, but not them. Have that firm watch every NBA game for a period of time, let's say five years, and document every blown whistle, in terms that a non-basketball fan would understand and agree with. In this way, the NBA could examine where the 60 years of precedence have taken the rules without having that precedence as a contamination of the stats.

Based on my (obviously biased) NBA viewing, here's a sample of what I think the new and improved rulebook might look like:

A defensive player will be assessed a personal foul in the first 46 minutes of regulation or in the first three minutes of any overtime period if

1. That player reaches in to hit a player, who has possession of the ball, between the elbows and the wrists.
   
2. That player jumps over the back of a player who is taller than him, either in rebounding or trying to block a shot.
   
3. That player uses his hands or arms to hit or push a player, who is in the act of shooting, in any of the following locations:
   
   1. On the arms between the shoulders and wrists.
   2. On the head, but only if the hit involves that player moving his arms more than 20 degrees.
      
   3. In the torso, but only if the shooting player has his arms raised and is not moving forward at the time.
      
4. That player uses his body to move underneath or otherwise ends up underneath of a player who is in the act of shooting or dunking all over everybody.
   
5. That player, having moved in the last two seconds, blocks the progress of a player who has possession of the ball and is
   
   1. Behind half court.
      
   2. Probably going to shoot the ball in the next few seconds anyway.
      

A defensive player will be assessed a personal foul in the final two minutes of regulation or in the final two minutes of any overtime period if

1. That player's team is winning by any number other than three points, and that player performs any of the actions listed in the previous section.
   
2. That player's team is winning by exactly three points or losing, and that player uses his hands or arms to touch a player who has possession of the ball and is
   
   1. Running away from that player at full speed.
      
   2. Huddled along the sidelines with the ball in a standing fetal position.
      

An offensive player will be assessed a personal foul if

1. That player has possession of the ball and runs into a defensive player who has not moved in the last two seconds, only if there are no other defensive players within two feet of that player.
   
2. That player has possession of the ball and lowers his shoulder into the chest of a defensive player for more than two seconds.
   
3. That player, while spinning with the ball, uses his elbows to hit a defensive player above the shoulders.
   

A player will be assessed a technical or a flagrant foul (Do we really need both?) if

1. That player throws the ball in the air or at the ground with any emotion other than sheer jubilation.
   
2. That player performs any action that could be used to beat up José Canseco in a mixed-martial arts fight. Those actions include the following:
   
   1. Leg kicks, a la Dahntay Jones to Kobe Bryant.
      
   2. Elbows to the head, a la Anthony Johnson to Mo Williams.
      
   3. Full-on punches, a la any late-game defensive rebound by a frustrated Dwight Howard.
      

Obviously, that's just a sample of what the new rulebook could look like. At least it's a start.

But there is a lot more to try to get to in this blog.

Speaking of NBA rules, Bryan and I instituted our own NBA Live rule, probably over a year ago. We agreed that if any player blocked another player who is at least a foot taller than him, his team automatically wins the game. It hadn't happened after probably hundreds of games and a few close calls, but then I used 6'2" Jordan Farmar (who is listed as 6'1" in the game) to block 7'3" Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Bryan immediately admitted defeat, and we started playing Punch-Out!! with Charles.

Speaking of video games, the much-ballyhooed Modern Warfare 2 trailer finally premiered during Sunday's Cavs/Magic game and is now all over the interwebs. I'd dub it mediocre to fair as a trailer. It shows a lot of non-gameplay footage, which isn't exactly rare for a video game trailer, especially this soon. But it also shows maybe 10-15 seconds of footage from the last game. Kind of strange. Even so, every time I watch the trailer, I get more excited.

My house watched the NCAA lacrosse championship Monday, mostly because our long-time buddy Brad was around, and he played lax in high school. It turned out to be one of the best finishes I've seen in sports all year. It's really not getting enough credit, especially the goal to tie the game with 4 seconds left in regulation, which ended up #3 on Sportscenter's Top 10 behind a basketball play and the goal to win the lax game in OT. Surprisingly, I've convinced Bryan and Jenny to watch two different lacrosse games in the past couple weeks.

The Cardinals are still pretty much pitching their asses off. Pineiro's three earned runs on Sunday was really a shocker. Their staff has only given up seven runs over the past eight games, but the team has still managed to lose two games, partially because the offense kind of sucks without Ankiel and Ludwick and partially because nobody will pitch to the offense of Pujols.

The Tar Heels baseball team is ranked #4 overall going into this oddly designed College World Series thing that starts Friday. I feel like four might be a little bit of a disappointment to this team that could have been the best in the nation.

Another exciting sporting event starts today: the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Watch it. Trust me.

Matthew's been writing about Jake Peavy a lot. I feel like the Padres need to trade him at some point, but I wonder if they'll get any useful offers before the trade-deadline rush. Matthew also, evidently, changed his Xbox Live gamertag and wants everybody to know about it. I don't really have any random Xbox Live friends and don't really want them, so I don't know that I'd post my gamertag on my blog, not that any random people read it, except for this one.

QotD:

How was your Memorial Day weekend?

My take: Good. I feel like I fit a lot of stuff in, from winning an NBA Live game with the 1' rule, to getting extremely sunburned on the beach, to drinking about a keg's worth of Yuengling, to watching a bunch of sports, to listening to live music, to planting a blueberry bush. And, also, I slept some.